Jacob Hamilton - The Piggy Point Collector
DETAILS
Who — Jacob Hamilton
Social — Currently Unknown (in hiding)
In Summary — Jacob Hamilton, The man, The Myth, the walking talking lying contradiction. Jacob finds himself in hospital nearly every week, resulting in wasting of many medical services. Jacob compulsively lies about his childhood, adulthood and even his medical problems!
The Walking NHS Nightmare!
Introduction / Overview
Ladies, gents and goblins of the internet… Tonight’s warm-up act for the wrongun round-up is none other than Jacob bloody Hamilton. A self-confessed autistic trans man — yes, you heard that right, he tells you before you even get to ask! — who’s been haunting the app longer than half the influencers’ fake ailments combined. He’s part of the LGBTQ community, sometimes part-time Pride performer, and full-time menace to the NHS budget. If you’ve ever seen someone singing to an empty crowd while the wind claps louder than the audience… yep, that was Jacob, belting out Lucy Rose’s theme tune like it was the X-Factor finals. So, Welcome to the circus.
Personality & Behaviour
Jacob has been doing the rounds on social media for years. He’s basically a regular in A&E at this point — I swear the receptionists must greet him like he’s clocking in for a shift like a bad smell they can’t get rid of. Rumour has it he’s racked up 3,000 piggy points, meaning one more fake crisis and he’s eligible for a free mug, a sticker, or maybe even a guided tour of the Hozzy. (That’s “hospital”, for those new to Jacob’s world of toddler vocabulary.)
His hobbies include face painting, sitting on the shitter playing with poppets, making guttural whale-noises online, abusing the occasional innocent animal, and licking a brain-locker like he’s auditioning for National Geographic. If that doesn’t spice up your evening, you can admire the stress ball permanently glued to his ear — which apparently “can’t be removed”… even though it pops off and grows back like a fungal infection.
Zimmer frame? Only when convenient. Because on most nights he rises from the dead like Lazarus on Red Bull and shakes his arse like a Polaroid picture.
But apparently… it’s serious, guys. Very serious..
“Of Course It Is!”
Lies, Manipulation & Family Drama
Jacob’s personality is basically a pick-n-mix of attention-seeking bingo. He sings to empty rooms, screams at full ones, and live-streams anything except actual self-reflection. He thrives on chaos: fake fits, dramatic collapses, sudden recoveries, mood swings that would give a rollercoaster vertigo.
He communicates through a Stephen Hawking-sounding device one minute… then speaks perfectly fine the next, like he forgot he was meant to be mute for sympathy points. He’ll be shaking like he’s auditioning for exorcism TikTok in one clip, then absolutely fine in the next, eating crisps and telling someone to “unalive themselves” for breathing near him.
And don’t forget the sudden medical emergencies triggered primarily by… boredom
Health, Hypochondria & “Deafness”
Where do we even begin with this Pandora’s box in Primark joggers?
Jacob’s entire online presence is a masterclass in manipulation.
“Feel sorry for me” is his love language. Fake fits, staged breakdowns, strategic sobbing — all served with a side of “poor little me, I’m vulnerable”.
Yet continues to prey on vulnerable people by acting even more vulnerable himself. It’s like emotional fraud Olympics and he’s sprinting for gold.
He had a woman called Emma Smith trying to help him. Jacob responded by repaying her kindness with a post dragging her like she’d stolen his last brain cell
Public Embarrassments.
Jacob’s public humiliation reel is longer than most people’s CVs.
He’s been filmed booting his cat, squashing a hamster (and no, OGs, it didn’t have wet tail), sniffing piss out of a litter tray while trying to “find where the cat went”. It’s like an episode of Animal Planet directed by Satan.
He goes live to call people ugly — full “you ain’t got no alibi” mode — throws around little racist jokes, tells people to unalive themselves, then plays victim when he gets backlash.
And the pièce de résistance:
Performing “This Is Me”… to an empty Pride stage. Not one clap. Not one tap. Just Jacob and the echo of his own delusion.
Today he even returned online with mysterious new “injuries” on his face and a dramatic story incoming, so we can all prepare for the next episode of “Jacob vs. The NHS (Round 87)”
Final Thoughts
Jacob Hamilton is the human equivalent of a wet impulse-buy stress ball: squishy, loud, pointless, and constantly in your face. He’s a drain on emergency services, a migraine to the community, and a one-person soap opera fuelled entirely by attention, lies, and piss-soaked chaos.
But tonight, he sits proudly as the opening act of the wrongun round-up — singing to an empty room, shaking like a blender, and wasting public funds like it’s a hobby.
Grab your popcorn, babes. Something tells me Jacob’s next hospital trip is already pending review.
DISCLAIMER: JACOB IS CURRENTLY HIDING UNDER A FAKE ACCOUNT. AS SOON AS WE HAVE IT, WE WILL UPDATE.
